On Aging (Turning Twenty-Eight)
I turned twenty eight two weeks ago.
Birthdays for me have always been full of mixed emotions. First off, where’d all the time go? I thought I just got my driver’s license (still don’t know how, lol) and waited outside of the Retro Room in the freezing spring rain as midnight encroached so I could have my first legal (and cheap) vodka cranberry, and even before then, walked alongside my parents to our old dirt-covered backyard, seeing a trampoline adorned with huge, colorful bows when I turned three. My parents are getting older, too and I can’t imagine a world without them. My best friend’s younger sister is the age we were when we first met. This is the time of the day when youth is fleeting and I cry.
Ofcourse, the melancholy isn’t all I feel. Every year, the birthdays get a little sweeter. I woke up to the smell of my mom’s vanilla pull-apart bread that she makes without fail every year. I opened presents of skincare, new sheets I needed but never bought, and a pair of running shoes. Mom and I walked to get coffee and talked about, well, a little of everything. I had a little alone time, which I always like to do. To be grateful, to feel my fears, to be proud of myself. I picked up my boyfriend for dinner and back home, where he also took the above picture and spoiled me with more gifts. I make a wish, blowing out the golden candles on my golden cake we enjoyed on the back porch. I couldn’t have asked for a simple, heartwarming day - not even mentioning the weekend prior, full of laughing with friends and one of the best meals I’ve had. The gentlest reminders of how very loved I am.
There are lots of feelings factored into aging - some exciting, some nostalgic, some peaceful, some overwhelming, some grateful, maybe a regret or two - and all are okay! The media does humanity a disservice when portraying the coming-of-age, drastic, perfect change on birthdays when in reality, it’s not true all the time and certainly not sustainable. We have to remember we’re human and that involves being messy and grieving or feeling disappointed while also experiencing the beautiful miracle that is another trip around the sun - because it’s nothing short of a miracle.
Yes, I may be unsure of where my career is headed exactly, have a wtf? moment when my size 28 pants don’t fit me as they have for 10+ years, regret honking at that elderly person driving or not taking that college class, but I haven’t felt this “me” in a long time. I look in the mirror and look like an adult. I feel sexy. I’m taking my writing and overall content more seriously, and I’m being taken more seriously. I’ve gotten to be part of some incredible projects, especially in the last few months. I’m witnessing the past versions of myself getting excited, cheering me on, and feeling loved.
I don’t believe I’ll ever “peak,” but rise and fall (not too hard) and rise again, taking each coming year a little more bravely, more confidently, and I hope, more graciously.
So, beyond my fears of the future and the grieving of my twenties ending soon, I truly do see the honor of aging. Seeing death and terror almost everywhere I fix my eyes, the more I see time as the most precious gift of all. To have friendships that withstand time’s and other countries’ tests, years of birthday cakes, more pronounced forehead wrinkles (Ricky Martin said they’re manly, okay?!) and spots from soaking in the warm sun that’ll hold memories long after it’s faded, maybe a little extra weight around my stomach, imperfect hands that boast cooking endless recipes and maybe not enough lotion, a supportive family that I can argue with about stupid shit and things that actually matter, disarrayed stacks of books I know I’ll get around to reading, a loving relationship with my boyfriend that continues to flourish, mistakes I hate to make but learn from anyway… to be able to live and live authentically is the most valuable gift and privilege I’ll ever know. And I believe it’s our duty as people to do whatever we can to extend that gift along.
I can’t wait to keep living. And I can’t wait to keep sharing with you.
I love you so much.
Jacob
